The lowest low & the highest high.

Dear Ju,

Many years ago, back when you were still here, I had my absolute low. Things which had happened over the years had gradually accumulated in my mind and as the weight on my shoulders grew, the cloud over my head darkened.

One day after a rather normal morning, arriving late for work as my mind thick with cloud couldn’t function. I sat at my desk and my colleague asked if I was ok. I broke down in hysterical tears.

I was signed off of work for two weeks. In the days that followed my low got lower and lower and lower. Rock bottom was lying on the sofa crying at how pathetic I was. I thought that as I was off work I should get up and clean the bathroom and at least do something worthwhile. But I couldn’t. The all consuming negative voice in my head was in full and utter control. I thought maybe I should just bleach the loo instead. I couldn’t. I cried for the rest of the day.

Shortly after this I was recommended to see a counsellor/hypnotherapist. This was the life changing moment for me. Absolutely completely life changing.

We worked through my past, allowing my brain to have closure and filing away the past. We worked on mind quieting techniques. We worked on meditation. My mind cleared. My shoulders seemed free. My eyes opened and there was no cloud only clarity.

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After 5 sessions with him I achieved a state of blissful happiness. I was in a bubble. I wanted nothing. I was completely and utterly fulfilled in life. I was at peace. I was utterly content. Even though my grandfather was dying whom I was extremely close to, I was blissfully happy, I felt sad and shed tears but it didn’t alter my general state of wellbeing. My life was abundant.

I maintained this wonderful sense of completeness, true calm and contented happiness for about two months.

After that I was happy and enjoyed life but the zen like state had worn off.

Now in my life I feel slightly numb, ¬†slightly empty and just ‘ok’.

Materially I have so much more now than I did then. I know it’s all in the mind.

But I also know with the right techniques and training that I can feel like that again. I would like to feel that contentedness again. That blissful happiness that radiated my entire body and mind.

I have always had a high, low, ok, repeat cycle. I don’t have consistency in mood. I need to break the cycle and revisit old techniques and mind training practices.

Once I get my sparkle back I want to do good with my life. I want to spread love, happiness, help and give what I can to those who need a hand.

Like a ripple in a pond. If I could help one person who feels like me now, if I could make one person smile, if I could make one person feel loved, if I could make one person appreciate something they take for granted, if I could pass on an item or some money to help someone who needs it more than me. If I could do those things in your honour Ju, how blessed would I be.

There are so many steps on this journey and so far I’ve only just started. My children deserve a happy mum, my husband deserves a happy wife, I deserve to feel more than empty.

I need to make the most of this chance at life that you didn’t get.

X

The beginning

Dear Ju,

Today is the start.

Today you would have been 51. Today the sky is blue and the sun is shining through the speckled clouds. Today my three children were running around our home hunting for Easter eggs and shrieking with joy when some were found. Today is Easter and we will reconnect with family over lunch.

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Today I feel slightly empty, slightly lost, unappreciative for the things I have. I feel tired, like I am looking in on my life but am not a part of it.

Ju, this is why I’ve started this project. How can I seemingly have everything I have ever wanted but not be happy? How can I be blessed with a wonderful healthy family but not feel the joy when I am around them. How can I know I have many choices and opportunities in life but feel pessimistic rather and optimistic. How can I know my life is really quite amazing but not FEEL it?

In your honour Ju I am going to look into what happiness is, how I can change my thoughts and actions and how I can embrace happiness.

You would give anything to be here. You would move mountains to have one more hug, one more conversation, one more moment with your family.

I need a shift in mindset, I need to figure it out. I am thirty. At this stage in your life you only had 16 more years. I hope that I am given more, but what if I’m not. What if I have the same or less?

I am going to read blogs, read books, see a counsellor, talk to others, try out techniques, look at all the information out there and see what works for me. I know happiness is a state of mind not something that can be bought. But equally it isn’t a state of mind that can just be turned on. I imagine it takes time and finding the way that speaks to you.

I have been given a sunny Easter Day today Ju and this is the start.

X