The beginning

Dear Ju,

Today is the start.

Today you would have been 51. Today the sky is blue and the sun is shining through the speckled clouds. Today my three children were running around our home hunting for Easter eggs and shrieking with joy when some were found. Today is Easter and we will reconnect with family over lunch.

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Today I feel slightly empty, slightly lost, unappreciative for the things I have. I feel tired, like I am looking in on my life but am not a part of it.

Ju, this is why I’ve started this project. How can I seemingly have everything I have ever wanted but not be happy? How can I be blessed with a wonderful healthy family but not feel the joy when I am around them. How can I know I have many choices and opportunities in life but feel pessimistic rather and optimistic. How can I know my life is really quite amazing but not FEEL it?

In your honour Ju I am going to look into what happiness is, how I can change my thoughts and actions and how I can embrace happiness.

You would give anything to be here. You would move mountains to have one more hug, one more conversation, one more moment with your family.

I need a shift in mindset, I need to figure it out. I am thirty. At this stage in your life you only had 16 more years. I hope that I am given more, but what if I’m not. What if I have the same or less?

I am going to read blogs, read books, see a counsellor, talk to others, try out techniques, look at all the information out there and see what works for me. I know happiness is a state of mind not something that can be bought. But equally it isn’t a state of mind that can just be turned on. I imagine it takes time and finding the way that speaks to you.

I have been given a sunny Easter Day today Ju and this is the start.

X

 

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