This moment

Dear Ju,

I wanted to document the beauty all around us and the moments where I have embraced stillness and connected with the now.

I have created a YouTube channel dedicated to ‘this moment’ allowing you to share these moments with me.

I’ll add to these videos as and when I can. Please enjoy watching them. What do you hear? What do you see? What do you feel when watching them?

x

Fellow Happy Blogs – The Happy Project

During my quest to find the happy within me, I am going to search for the best books, blogs and content I can find that inspires me.

I stumbled across this blog, The Happy Project today…

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The image I found (among many inspiring images) spoke to me for obvious reasons.

I like this one also.

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My biggest issue is the way in which I think about things. Its not as simple as saying change the way you think about it, but it is the truth. I just need to figure out how to do it.

X

These are a few of my favourite things… Tulips

Dear Ju,

I love flowers, especially tulips.

I love how they open up in the warm sunshine and then tightly tuck back up as the evening turns cooler.

I love how different they all are, and how beautiful they are individually as well as together. Some have vastly contrasting colours – pastel yellow and deep red, some have beauty in the utterly simplicity that is a completely white flower, others having varying shades of the same colour. Together they make each other look even more stunning.

We have utter faith in our spring bulbs. An expectation in them to do as nature dictates. Isn’t it lovely to have so much faith in something. No doubt. We plant them in autumn, whilst the soil is still warm enough. We tuck them down deep, knowing they will stay asleep over the cold, dark grey winter.

By spring we are feeling jaded. We are craving sunshine, warmth, longer days and colour after what seems like an eternity of grey & cold.

Then we notice natures cogs slowly warming up. A sprinkling of snowdrops. Buds on the trees. Bluebells. The first cut of grass.

And green shoots in the border.

The brown, crispy, dull looking bulbs we planted last year now shooting into life.

They seem to shoot up and form a bud in no time at all. We guess at what colour flower we will be blessed with. Then we see the show. We buy these bulbs, plant them and take care of them all for two, maybe three weeks of colour.¬†But isn’t it worth it.

I know you liked orchids Ju, I bought you one when I didn’t know what else to do. I brought it to your room when you couldn’t get out of bed. You told me it was beautiful. I replied ‘Like you’.

X

 

The lowest low & the highest high.

Dear Ju,

Many years ago, back when you were still here, I had my absolute low. Things which had happened over the years had gradually accumulated in my mind and as the weight on my shoulders grew, the cloud over my head darkened.

One day after a rather normal morning, arriving late for work as my mind thick with cloud couldn’t function. I sat at my desk and my colleague asked if I was ok. I broke down in hysterical tears.

I was signed off of work for two weeks. In the days that followed my low got lower and lower and lower. Rock bottom was lying on the sofa crying at how pathetic I was. I thought that as I was off work I should get up and clean the bathroom and at least do something worthwhile. But I couldn’t. The all consuming negative voice in my head was in full and utter control. I thought maybe I should just bleach the loo instead. I couldn’t. I cried for the rest of the day.

Shortly after this I was recommended to see a counsellor/hypnotherapist. This was the life changing moment for me. Absolutely completely life changing.

We worked through my past, allowing my brain to have closure and filing away the past. We worked on mind quieting techniques. We worked on meditation. My mind cleared. My shoulders seemed free. My eyes opened and there was no cloud only clarity.

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After 5 sessions with him I achieved a state of blissful happiness. I was in a bubble. I wanted nothing. I was completely and utterly fulfilled in life. I was at peace. I was utterly content. Even though my grandfather was dying whom I was extremely close to, I was blissfully happy, I felt sad and shed tears but it didn’t alter my general state of wellbeing. My life was abundant.

I maintained this wonderful sense of completeness, true calm and contented happiness for about two months.

After that I was happy and enjoyed life but the zen like state had worn off.

Now in my life I feel slightly numb, ¬†slightly empty and just ‘ok’.

Materially I have so much more now than I did then. I know it’s all in the mind.

But I also know with the right techniques and training that I can feel like that again. I would like to feel that contentedness again. That blissful happiness that radiated my entire body and mind.

I have always had a high, low, ok, repeat cycle. I don’t have consistency in mood. I need to break the cycle and revisit old techniques and mind training practices.

Once I get my sparkle back I want to do good with my life. I want to spread love, happiness, help and give what I can to those who need a hand.

Like a ripple in a pond. If I could help one person who feels like me now, if I could make one person smile, if I could make one person feel loved, if I could make one person appreciate something they take for granted, if I could pass on an item or some money to help someone who needs it more than me. If I could do those things in your honour Ju, how blessed would I be.

There are so many steps on this journey and so far I’ve only just started. My children deserve a happy mum, my husband deserves a happy wife, I deserve to feel more than empty.

I need to make the most of this chance at life that you didn’t get.

X

The beginning

Dear Ju,

Today is the start.

Today you would have been 51. Today the sky is blue and the sun is shining through the speckled clouds. Today my three children were running around our home hunting for Easter eggs and shrieking with joy when some were found. Today is Easter and we will reconnect with family over lunch.

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Today I feel slightly empty, slightly lost, unappreciative for the things I have. I feel tired, like I am looking in on my life but am not a part of it.

Ju, this is why I’ve started this project. How can I seemingly have everything I have ever wanted but not be happy? How can I be blessed with a wonderful healthy family but not feel the joy when I am around them. How can I know I have many choices and opportunities in life but feel pessimistic rather and optimistic. How can I know my life is really quite amazing but not FEEL it?

In your honour Ju I am going to look into what happiness is, how I can change my thoughts and actions and how I can embrace happiness.

You would give anything to be here. You would move mountains to have one more hug, one more conversation, one more moment with your family.

I need a shift in mindset, I need to figure it out. I am thirty. At this stage in your life you only had 16 more years. I hope that I am given more, but what if I’m not. What if I have the same or less?

I am going to read blogs, read books, see a counsellor, talk to others, try out techniques, look at all the information out there and see what works for me. I know happiness is a state of mind not something that can be bought. But equally it isn’t a state of mind that can just be turned on. I imagine it takes time and finding the way that speaks to you.

I have been given a sunny Easter Day today Ju and this is the start.

X